Throughout my life, God has been consistent to diminish my unbelief and faithlessness. It has been a slow melting, like a candle being burnt down to nothing. Before I even began my search for education after high school, I was filled with disbelief that I could even make it there, that I could have the grades to get me in a good college. I doubted because I thought I needed to provide for myself a way to pay for college so that my family didn’t have to. At first it was soccer, but then I gave up on that because I didn’t see myself as good enough. I wasn’t getting the emails or the looks from college coaches other girls got. Then it was my grades. I had to get over the fact that I slipped from the sixth percentile to the seventh percentile of my graduating class, because for some reason I thought that was detrimental to getting into college. This is the kind of doubt that I listened to, rather than the truth that God would provide everything I could ever need or desire.

Flash forward to being provided the opportunity to attend college for free at the US Merchant Marine Academy or the University of Texas, and I still had doubts. God had just provided me with more blessing than the majority of kids receive coming out of high school and I doubted weather he would bless me in college. The truth was I knew I should go to the Merchant Marine academy, I knew it would grow me into the person God would want me to be. I didn’t know if I could make it in an atmosphere that is more testing mentally than normal college even though God has walked me through numerous trials. He has been there with me through it all. Despite realizing the truth I didn’t believe God would provide me people who loved Jesus like I did. I thought I would be alone.

Thankfully though, God loves to prove me wrong. The past six months has made me look like a fool for my lack of faith, but I am so glad it has.

I arrived here, in New York, with doubt still filling my mind. I remember the day before I had to report to Indoctrination, our training period, I couldn’t sleep because I didn’t know what it was going to be like. My impatience and lack of trust had lead me worry only because I did not yet know every detail of academy life, and keep in mind I had researched all aspects of the school until I couldn’t find anything else.

The truth is nothing can prepare you for trials more than just having faith that God will take care of you. When I walked into Indoc I put the burden of making it through on myself. I believe that is why I went into such a culture shock the first two days. I finally made it to Chapel on that Sunday and I realized I had been thinking about it all wrong. The Chaplin talked about how we should take joy in our suffering, because ultimately it’s for the glory of God. Although I had learned this time and time again through out my life, I forgot to rely solely on God to bring me through the trial. I cannot do it on my own. That is something worry tricks you into: Thinking you need to muster up your own strength to get over an obstacle when in reality God never meant for us to use our ability, but His strength to get us through life.

When I signed up to go to the academy, I had no idea the people that were going to be here. It is beyond me that I didn’t trust God in the first place. The people that I have come to know here are some of the best people I know. They are on fire for God and hungry for His word. So much so, that every morning we meet at 0530 to study the Bible, drink coffee, and pray together. I honestly don’t know what kind of school I go to right now. Is this a military academy or a discipleship school? I am unsure. Our Bible study started off in a room with just a few guys reading their Bible together and then expanded into our cafe inside our recreation hall. From there, the thirty plus people outgrew that room and we were forced to move to the basement of our Chapel, and currently we are busting at the seems in that room. It is amazing what God has done just through our Bible study and I doubted Him for it.

Last trimester we had a retreat with the Christian Club where we bused almost fifty kids to Pennsylvania, which is a lot considering there are less than 800 people at our school at one time. There we got spiritually fed. Both nights we were there we found a little cabin in the woods and all the guitar players brought their instruments and we just worshiped and prayed over each other and broke chains for hours in the middle of the night. I have never seen so many people growing this close to God in my life.

Over the past six months I have also made an incredible group of friends. It all started during finals week in October when a handful of us from Bible study decided to get together and study and relax between our finals. We all gathered in our school’s cafe and played worship songs on our guitars, made coffee, and read the Bible. From there that group of friends has decided to pursue Christ together. My friend Jenna and I are working on reading the entire Bible together. Almost the entire group attended Passion 2020, a conference of 65,000 plus college aged kids worshiping and praising Jesus. We have also gotten SCUBA certified together and created a book swap. I am baffled by God’s work in them and through them.

Each doubt and each worry I had in the spring of 2019 has already been trumped. Not only that, but God has grown me and my confidence more than I could of imagined. It is all because God only requires faith of a mustard seed to move mountains. Yet, in me He has moved more than mountains.

This post is for my dad, Harold Gamsjager, the stubborn Austrian that in all ways, positive and negative, helped me become me.
I miss him. I miss that weird face he made when we would joke around and the way he called me monkey and my brother Anton frog. I miss him because he’s gone now and I fear that I will forget some of my memories with him.
My dad died in February of 2016, the day after my friend died, in the month I stopped going over to his house.
At about five years old, my parents got divorced. My brother and I switched houses every other day and it definitely got exhausting to change rules and schedules for eleven years. A rift began to form between my dad and me as he started dating. We would spend weekends in Houston, Irving, or generally anywhere other than home when he was in a relationship. Eventually all I wanted to do was fall asleep in my own bed and not have to share my dad with another girl. I was so infuriated with my dad for not being there for me, not paying attention to us, for leaving me to take care of my brother. Eventually I questioned weather I loved him.
Drifting from my earthly father helped me become closer to my true Father. In times of desperation I would call on God to be my comforter and rock. My dad grew up knowing about Jesus, but my mom always said it was more of a history for him. I would try and almost evangelize to my dad, but it only drove us more apart because he thought I was passing out blame. In a way I was, I wanted him to stop and really listen to me, but this was not the way. In the end I know he is in heaven. My dad never really showed his relationship with God, but he took interest in sermons and going to church. A few months after his death, God gave me a vision of my dad in heaven along with my friend, Arely, and my great grandmother.
As my relationship got worse with my dad, I spent more time at my mom’s house because now I could choose if I wanted to be there or not. Recently being laid off, my father started working in California for the company he was employed under before we moved to Texas, so he only came home every other weekend. One morning my father asked me if he could take me to school. When he was dropping me off, something within me told me I needed to tell him I loved him. When I said it, I meant it. Looking back that moment is so special to me, because he died not even a week later. After that I realized I could never stop loving my dad, even through the fights and long nights. He’s my dad and he has taught me a million things.
From him I got my sense of intelligence, my love for problem solving, my vast array of film knowledge, and the ability to figure things out. Though I have learned numerous things from him teaching me, I have learned more about myself when he left. It was painful to have my dad gone in an instant. The night my mom told me I was scared to leave her side, because I thought I would lose her too. That was the scariest night of my life, but because of it I am a better person. As that week went on, God put a blanket of peace over me. I felt I had nowhere to run, so I went to God because that’s where I was used to going. God had prepared me to turn to Him. I don’t know how God pulled me out of that pit, but he continually comforted me and provided for me in my grief and sorrow. He did not allow me to feel guilty for the state of my relationship with my father. I remember the feeling of depression the day my dad died, but more so how God did not allow me to stay in that condition. He allowed me to feel joy, an unexplainable joy, a supernatural joy. I even have journal entries that date only a couple weeks after his death where I remark of the pain, but also of the growth and the movement God had in me. It is beyond my words to describe what God did for and what He has done in me.
The fear went away and with it the fear of the world. Not only did I become braver, but I became stronger. Small things like approval and stress started to go out the window. Jesus called me into a fearless life. Within that month I was able to share what God was doing in my life. I went from this soft spoken girl that couldn’t even pray aloud to a daughter of Christ that walks with the strength and confidence her God gives her. I shared my testimony in small group and then to my school and was eventually chosen to be a leader in a Christian club at my high school. God really pulled me out of my comfort zone when He called me to play my guitar and worship at school. I was about three chords from beginner and I was up there in front of twenty to thirty people each week. That is the beauty in it though. It is not our skill level God requires, but our ability to say yes. That is what my dad really taught me.

These questions that have recently been placed on my heart, I believe come from the outside looking in with a bigger perspective. Like God’s questions to me when I have some down right audacious thoughts. I would like to think as a son or daughter of Christ we are blessed with the Holy Spirit that constantly gives us insight in our decisions, but sometimes He interjects just when you don’t want that sound advice. Like on that fourth donut right after you worked out that you justified by the amount of squats you did; or when you’re texting that cute boy or girl you met the other day and you know he’s not right for you, but you let your finger slip on that kissy face; or when you think in a negative way about how you look and who you are. This post is the side note to every bad thought, every torn up perspective, every sleepless night. However, I will preface the questions with this: God is concerned with your heart, not your comfort level.

Let’s talk about friends, because no one desires an empty contact list, but we never realize the person we should call on doesn’t have a phone. Why do we spend every waking hour concerned with how people perceive us? Wake up, brush our teeth and put on deodorant so we don’t scare away potential conversations. Dress in a manner that either won’t get us noticed or attracts a target audience. Eat in a way that makes us skinnier so we can hang out with those size zeros or bulk up so we can talk to that star quarterback. It is a vicious cycle too. Once we get into a friend group, everything is based off of how we talk or walk or act. Can we just stop for a moment? What if these people are not thinking about you, because they’re too busy being concerned about themselves in other people’s minds? Or what if the only reason you get their judgement is because they are trying to fit in?

This tornado could all end if we realize we only need to chase after one thing: God’s truth. We tear ourselves up about the little things we say or the little gesture that somehow implied they hate us and now we are digging our own graves.

Why do we doubt that God calls us beautiful? If He made things like the stars and the sunsets and every flower and mountain and calls us beautiful, why do we not allow ourselves to hear that? There is so much more meaning behind God’s words than what that girl from down the street tweets at five in the morning. The truth will set you free so take the opportunity to live free by reading God’s truth.

Why do we feel like we need to prove ourselves? That is a tough one. We have a heart for God, but we also feel we need the love of this world. Striving and striving after that top spot in the race to acceptance and popularity. But, what are we running to when God is trying to give us treasure far greater than anything we could possibly obtain? Are we so broken down and numb to the red flags in our mind that we allow those thoughts that say we will never amount to anything become the headquarters to every thought, every breath, every action? If we do not believe our worth how can we understand the love our Creator has for us?

God weeps for you.

He weeps for every minute of sleep you’ve lost over this. He weeps because He wants you to listen. Listen. Do not speak. Listen.

There is life in Him when all else is lost. Life when you don’t know where yours went. And through the Holy Spirit there is authority and power. God has already given you the power to cast out those thoughts and deceit from the devil. Why do we not use our authority in Christ to cast out our demons?

Sounds easy enough right? In reality it may be the hardest thing we will ever have to do. Changing your mindset takes time, a lifetime in fact. Remind yourself daily of the things God says of you. Open up that book that was written two thousand years ago (it might look like that too if you let it collect dust). How can you combat lies about yourself if you don’t know the truth? God wants you to know you mean the life of His Son to Him.

The truth is these questions are for me too. There are some weeks it seems easy to focus on God, but then there are others where it just seems impossible to take my mind off a person, a comment, or even a look. The more I fixate on that tiny inkling of a moment the more the devil tortures me. He whispers questions that make me toss aside everything God tells me. Does that friend of yours really appreciate you? What does she really think of you? Can you even speak right? You write terribly, who would honestly read your blog?

All these questions and more constantly flood my mind when I take my eyes off God. It is so hard, especially in the twenty first century to live without looking at the lusts of life surrounding us. But, it is what God calls us to, and man, there is no greater moments than the ones where God strips us from the fears of this world. For the better part of two years I’ve lived in this freedom God has for me, but sometimes I find myself looking to the world including recently. I know God puts us in situations for a reason. I know this current season will make me better and hopefully help me to understand my brothers and sisters in the same walk of life. I have faith God will build me up in the right direction. I have faith He knows what He’s doing.