Maverick City Music sings a song called “The Story I’ll Tell” and in it they sing:

I’ll testify of the battles you’ve won

How you were my portion when there wasn’t enough

I’ll testify of the seas that we’ve crossed,

The waters you parted, the waves that I’ve walked

So, today, five years after the scariest day of my life, I will testify of the battle that God has won within me.

Five years ago, I was lost. I had a terrible relationship with my father. I wanted him to change when in reality I didn’t have the power to change him. What I really wanted from him was his attention. For my dad to be like other dads and our relationship to not always be a war. Looking back now, I know he truly cared for me, but there was some pretty messed up baggage he gave me.

The moment that my mom told me my father had passed all I could say is “why?” Over and over again like I didn’t want to believe it because it didn’t make any sense. Why would God do this to me? Why when my relationship with my father was in pieces? Why when I never got to hear all his stories, or we never got to go on adventures together, or he never walked me down the aisle? Why when I hadn’t even grown up yet?

Our relationship was less than alright, but I still love my dad. I miss him.

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest.” -Psalm 11:1-2

I asked God hundreds of times, why He did this to me, but He never answered. Instead, He showed me.

God showered me with His overwhelming peace. Just as though I was in a storm and I could see it raging around me preparing to consume me. But what changed the story from a tragedy to a victory was Jesus. He was sitting in my boat. He calmed the seas with a simple word, “Peace! Be still!” At His word, the clouds rolled back, the fear within me melted away, and any guilt I bore was stripped from my grasp.

Jesus upon the cross said the words of Psalm 22 when God put the full weight of the world’s sin on Him. The torture of Jesus and the forsaking was for our good that we may know God personally. In this same way, God used my pain to be in relationship with Him. The fallenness of this world is not the hand of God, yet the Lord works it for our good.

Joseph, after being betrayed by his brothers and sold into slavery then facing imprisonment eventually sat at the right hand of Pharaoh. He said these words to his brothers when he saw them again when his prophesy saved the people from a famine:

“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive as they are today.” -Genesis 50:20

What the enemy meant for evil, God turned to good in order that I may show people the life I found in Jesus. This week I have been thinking a lot about the loss of my father. Although I miss him like crazy, all I can think of is the blessings that God brought after the hardship.

Through this my God has given me perseverance and strength. More than I could ever have on my own. My joy cannot be phased by a pandemic. My strength doesn’t stop for a lock down, because it is not based on my circumstances. I can have joy in every moment because my joy comes from the Unmovable.

God through our trials has given me a family who loves Him. One of the best things I got to witness this past year was my brother put his full faith in Christ. I can see the same fire that is within me now in him and there are no words to describe how grateful I am. What a beautiful picture to see the generational blessing that came from my grandma’s faithfulness and constant prayer. We have all found the love of the Father.

God has given me life. When I lost my dad five years ago today, He caught my tears and held me in His arms. The most fascinating nature of the Lord is not that He came down to Earth, became one of us, and died bearing all of our sin. That is breathtaking enough. But the thing that brings me to my knees is the way He carries us though this life. God does not leave us stranded in the brokenness of this world. We do not have to live without the giver of life. I tell you this from the experience of being without hope.

Once my father died I was afraid the devil was going to take more. I remember times when I would call my mom and she wouldn’t pick up and my mind would race to every terrible thing that could have happened. It was sickening. I cried every night for a year, just thinking what if he was still here. It could have all been a dream. Remembering God’s truth delivered me from the deception of my own thoughts. When I thought on how much I missed my dad I would focus on God’s promise to bring his children to heaven, to bring them to a place surpassing anything we could imagine. When I thought on my hopelessness I would recall, “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11).

Through my hardship God has given me the most beautiful thing I never knew I needed: a relationship with Him.